Last night, my wife, who loves wrestling, and I, sat down to watch Raw. Here is our story:
So, turns out RAW starts at 7...at NIGHT!!! What is this, some sort of electronic discotheque? My wife and I successfully fought the struggle to stay awake, and were rewarded with Cody Rhodes vs. Drew McIntyre.
...yay.
It certainly was a great match between generic action figure bad guy (let's say...Destro) and Cody "Tries Too Hard" Rhodes. Both are great wrestlers. Neither one gets any respect in this house. I'm starting to like Drew a little with this new character. My wife? Not so much.
Someone gave Michael Cole and Pat McAfee light pens, as if they were John Madden. Unlike John Madden, Cole and Pat had nothing to actual draw, so...let's just say, "Kuddos for not drawing genitalia, guys." My wife was not a fan. I saw how this was probably not going to last past a few episodes.
As we are a huge fan of Seth Rollins and his crazy outfits, we were thrilled by his Monday Night choice of attire. However, my wife wondered if he traveled to Anaheim and dressed up just to pat Cody "We Never Watched AEW So We Don't Care About Him" Rhodes on the leg.
Turns out, yes.
My wife and I were stoked about the women's Last Chance Battle Royal for the last spot in Elimination Chamber. The women's Rumble was the only thing worth watching that whole PLE (thanks for getting that out of the way up top, Trips. Super easy to stay awake through that one, eye roll).
It was pretty chaotic as those things go. We spent most of the time making fun of Shayna Baszler, as is our routine.
Lots of fun spots, and Raquel Rodriguez pulled off the win to the surprise of no one. The final Chelsea Green spot was a fun idea, but it felt like a hat on a hat when you're doing the return win. Just my armchair opinion.
It was at this point ('round 'bout eight of the clock) my wife and I hit the sack. I mean, what are we, werewolves on Adderall?
My wife had the day off of work today (I'm publishing this on Tuesday, February. 20th, so you don't have to do any sleuthing) and I work from home, so as soon as we were ready, 'round 'bout 11am, we fired it back up, thanks to my mom's Hulu account.
Nia Jax and Rhea Ripley performed their best impression of SNL Weekend Update's long running bit "Point/Counter Point" while my wife and I kept saying non-Australian things in terrible Australian accents. "Pewt 'nudder 'ot dog in the fire, Bruce," and such.
Then, we shut up for R-Truth.
EVERYONE SHUT UP FOR R-TRUTH, RIGHT NOW!
R-Truth, The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels (Johnny Gargano), Triple H (Tommaso Ciampa), and The Miz faced off against Judgement Day next.
Good match. Told a story. Good guys got squashed.
My wife and I thought The Miz's entrance looks like it was just left over stuff from previous things he used to do. Like a long collection of affectations, but he never dropped an old one before picking up a new one.
This lead us to wax poetic for most of the match about how wrestling is a truly unique form of storytelling, visa vi the character development. I specifically talked about Billy Gunn's evolution from Bart Gunn's brother to Mr. Ass and beyond.
After my wife and I talked over a "Last Time On Wrestling" with The Rock and Roman Reigns being boring, it was time for everyone's favorite segment: Rapid-Fire Backstory Theatre!
Becky came out and said some of the stuff Becky has been saying. Plus, she talks about her hat. The hat's, like, okay. But if you're going to be self conscious about it, maybe don't wear it?
Liv interrupted her and reminded the whole WWE Universe that she also has a backstory.
Raquel, Naomi, Tiffany, and then Bianca all followed suit to remind the world that they, too, have backstories.
This may sound like I'm making fun of this. But, the opposite. My wife and I are both PRETTY THRILLED that the women's division involves backstories finally.
The whole thing ended up with everyone beating the crap out of each other until Nia Jax came out. I just remember seeing a white void, which often happens when she comes on screen. Just a white void where wrestling neither exists or doesn't exist.
When I came to, Nia Jax was sitting on people I think. I started talking to my wife about how boring Nia Jax is and wasn't paying attention to the screen.
Finally, it was time for the main event. Going into it, I knew what would happen because social media is a place. But my wife? She avoided the spoilers. Still, she knew VERY WELL, that no win that night would be clean.
We spent most of the rest of the next hour wondering why, if the kayfabe world of wrestling were real, a simple hoodie makes you invisible to security. It was a long conversation. I got no work done, and we came up with no answers.
Our biggest takeaway from RAW? Pat McAfee's return is starting to go from "Wait, wasn't he our favorite commentator before he left? Why did we like him?" to "Annoying but in a fun way. Like, a 'check his pee' way."
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