VHS tapes used to be a thing in the past. I collect them in the present day. Especially stuff taped off of television. I am watching one such tape, hour-by-hour, for this series of articles called Basket of Tapes.
This time on Basket of Tapes:
For reasons I refuse to Google, RAW used to be broken up into two separate one-hour shows: Raw is War and Warzone. You always knew when one switched over because the copyright year would show up in the bottom left.
We could see this happening as The Rock walked to the ring wearing his angry khakis.
Having gone forward in time to the present to watch Modern Day Dwayne Johnson be boring and gigantic on Smackdown!, I found going back in time and seeing The Rock like this felt much like looking at layer three of a Russian Nesting The Rock Doll.
Angry about the events of earlier that evening (The Undertaker and Big Show double teaming The Rock during a #1 Contenders' match), The Rock made fun of many things, including The Undertaker's tattoos.
Mankind interrupted The Rock, which is always a good choice. He explained that he, too, has a problem with Shaker (Show/Undertaker. Stay with the hip lingo of the kids on the streets, everyone). Mostly due to events earlier in the evening, but also Undertaker keeps throwing him off of stuff.
He said that they shall be a tag team and that they get a shot at the tag team titles. And then it just happened. No getting Adam Pearce involved or nuttin'. Just wrestlers saying they get something then they get it.
To put The Rock 'n' Sock Connection into context for newer fans, it's like if the Sami Zayn/Bloodline storyline happened. Then, Sami and Roman ran off to be a tag team together. It was crazy and huge, and who would think it, right?
As The Rock was leaving, the wrestler Meat approached the ring to the tunes of the PMS theme song with Terri Runnels in tow. The Rock stopped and said some confusingly degrading things. Then he walked to Gorilla, I'm sure very proud of himself for his baffling comments about Terri's ass.
Meat and Terri stood in the ring having an uncomfortable conversation when GTV interjected on the Titantron. I had to use my memory really hard to remember GTV. It was Blue Meanie, or something? Even if it wasn't Meanie, it probably would have been better if it was.
GTV exposed Meat making out hot and heavy with Marianna, who is, apparently, a thing! It's Chaz's girlfriend? Looking it up, Chaz was once Mosh, who we all know and love from The Headbangers. But, for a time in between being stints as Mosh, he was Beaver Cleavage.
Yup.
But that sucked, so now was Chaz.
Marianna and Chaz stormed the ring and threw 'bows at Meat and Terri, who were surprisingly bad at defending themselves. You know, for professional wrestlers.
Once the two couples were separated by officials, we cut to backstage. Debra was getting ready, but Ms. Kitty is being really picky about her appearance.
Commercial break.
The next match is a tag team match between "Sexual Chocolate" Mark Henry (IC Title holder at the time) & Jeff Jarrett vs. D'Lo Brown & Mr. Ass (with Chyna on commentary and Debra and Ms. Kitty ringside).
Eh.
I remember this brief storyline from back in the day (when this first aired, I had been watching wrestling for only a few months). They wanted to have Billy Gunn, Chyna, D'Lo and Mark Henry to have a singles push after lots of tag/stable work. So, they had them all go after Double J.
Debra and Ms. Kitty were also there, so let's do the "puppies" count. How many times do you think The King said puppies? An infuriating amount, that's how many.
The match was okay as far as Attitude Era chaos goes. It ends with Chyna trying to pull the old El Kabong on Double J, but hit Mr. Ass instead. Ref didn't see, so Jarrett got the 1-2-3 while Chyna was all, like, "Whatever. The El Kabong is a harsh mistress. Sometimes you hit the wrong blonde guy with a prop guitar."
Backstage, a tiny, baby version of Michael Cole gets blown off by Test so he can ask The Stooges (Brisco and Patterson) to be his co-best men. Love marriage drama in my wrestling.
Oh, he's marrying Stephanie McMahon, by the way. Any of the new fans want to guess how that turns out?
We saw Ken Shamrock entering the ring next, mad about one thing or another. You remember how Ken Shamrock used to do. After he threw his pre-ring tantrum, Gangrel® came to the ring with The New Brood (aka Matt & Jeff, The Hardy Boyz).
The match, itself, was fine. About what you'd expect from a match between an MMA fighter an an undead creature of the night and his two familiars.
Ken Shamrock used to go by "The World's Most Dangerous Man." I mean, Saddam Hussein was probably, like, twice as dangerous. And Shamrock had to try to beat Gangrel®.
GANGREL®!
Did you know the name Gangrel® is licensed by...hold on.
"Okay, Gaggle. Who publishes Vampire: The Masquerade?"
Ken Shamrock won, because an immortal lust for blood can't defeat an arm bar.
The Fink Howard Finkel ran out and had everyone watch the longest intro to an obviously pre-recorded backstage video, every.
Y2J was backstage doing...something and challenged Ken Shamrock to a battle that Thursday on Smackdown!
We move to commercial with a backstage segment that is surprisingly still funny. Mankind explained how he will do the People's Elbow. The Rock was about as happy with that as he is about anything.
We come back from this commercial break with another Last Time On Wrestling! This time on Last Time On Wrestling: Objectification!
Last Time On Wrestling: Ivory nearly got her dress ripped off by Tori Wilson, because Attitude Era. This time on This Time On Wrestling: The ittiest, bittiest Michael Cole played mic stand for Ivory so she could call Tori a slut several times until the entire women's locker room empties out and the perviest old men in the world fail to be able to stand up.
Commercial break.
Mankind and The Rock entered the ring and Magic: the Gathering will be sponsoring Unforgiven.
Then, another commercial. Seriously. That's all that happens between these two commercials.
When we came back from commercial, Shaker ('Show/'Taker) come to the ring. But no Paul Bearer. JR and The King made it a point to bring that up several times, so I'm sure nothing will come of it. wink
Honestly, another pretty good match. I like the story it tells.
Then, just when the tag champs (Shaker) start to get the upper hand, Paul Bearer wadles to the ring.
While Big Show was in the ring, Bearer showed The Undertaker something in his jacket. It's not revealed in this episode, but I'm assuming it's a time sensitive deal on a used motorcycle.
The Undertaker and Paul made haste to the back, once again, assuming they have to call the guy with the motorcycle because you just don't see that kind of deal on an Red Indian these days!
Big Show made a valiant attempt to stand up to Mankind and The Rock. But, in the end, there's not much he could do against TWO PEOPLE'S ELBOWS AT THE SAME TIME! One from The Rock on top and one from Mankind on his feet.
And thus began one of the greatest series of tag team reigns in the history of wrestling. Definitely a defining moment of many people's childhoods. Not mine though. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm crying because something else. Not a wrestling match.
I'm still bummed about Princess Diana, okay? She died too young. I. Am. Not. Crying. About. Wrestling.
Fade to Happy Hour, with Frank Zappa's male offspring. Already in progress.
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