BROWN'S FIVE AT 5 / Vol.3, Issue 4: Bang Bang, Gorillas

The Great Brown Hope
Jun 4
6 min read

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There's alot going in the wrestling world today including a handful of trendy moments and such. Now, when using the word "trend", you better be referring to something everyone is talking about. And there's plenty of new trends on the daily, some that take shape into something even greater than just a set of words assembled in the correct manner at the correct time. The biggest trends aren't always the flashiest, but they sure pack a hell of a punch that leaves a black eye on your timeline.

The above referenced tweet is evidence of how a trend can quickly takeover and consume the interwebs. Tweets, memes, and videos followed in approval and inspired by said tweet of 100 people being able to defeat 1 gorilla.

And it got me thinking......

What if we pit Five Gorillas against Five Superstars in a Five on Five Survivor Series Elimination Match?

That's right. We're gonna find 5 of the biggest and meanest gorillas and throw em into the ring for some tag elimination action against 5 of the toughest and scariest Superstars to have entered the squared circle.

Welcome to the Jungle mafks.

LETS GET TO IT YALL!!

BROWN'S FIVE AT 5

VOLUME 3 / ISSUE 4

FIVE GORILLAS VS FIVE SUPERSTARS

(SURVIVOR SERIES ELIMINATION STYLE)

5.NEW JACK

This would have been the type of match New Jack would have loved to sign up for without hesitation. Storees and legends have been told of New Jack being a fearless individual, in and out of the squared circle. From his early beginnings with The Gangstas, New Jack was a cat you didn't wanna mess with. This reputation would follow him his entire career as he kept it real to his core and never let his guard down. With heavy weaponry at his tow, New Jack would fit right in in this type of environment. His no bullshit demeanor would intimidate even the biggest of beasts to dare step in his way. New Jack would certainly score an elimination before being taken down by a fresh entrant. New Jack continues to beat down the eliminated gorilla as they both make their way to the back.

4.STEVE BLACKMAN

For a match this big, you're gonna need some heavy artillery. You're gonna need...a Lethal Weapon.

Steve Blackman is one of the meanest and one of the toughest to ever step foot in the squared circle. As quick as he was deadly, Blackman was the perfect competitor in the era of over-the-top gimmicks and Hollywood-esque personalities. Except unlike them, Blackman could go toe to toe with anyone, and in this case any gorilla, especially in a battle of this design. His gritty, unique mesh of martial arts and wrestling earned him the name Lethal Weapon and it has stuck ever since. And if going against the biggest The Jungle has to offer, Blackman would hold his own very well as long as he keeps striking. His educated feet and raw strength would play key factors on the offensive, perhaps even grounding his opponent in a chokehold. Blackman comes close to making an elimination, but is eventually overpowered and is eliminated second. Blackman would proceed to exiting the ring, just to grab his trusty rattan sticks and go to town on the gorilla that eliminated him. I mean, who would dare try to stop him right?

3.OBA FEMI

Aww yeah man, you knew this was coming. You're gonna need alot of meat to go up against Five of the Mightiest that The Jungle has sent forth against you. Current NXT World Heavyweight Champion Oba Femi is as explosive as he is brutal, possessing a raw strength that truly makes him capable of shotputting a gorilla or two. It won't be a technical classic as Oba has his way with whoever he can get his hands on. Oba Femi has demolished every hurdle set in his path of destruction and domination. This would be no different. The Ruler demands respect with a presence and an aura of a prospering Superstar with no signs of slowing down. Oba Femi's legend carries weight even in The Jungle and will have these gorillas on high alert, ready to go up against a brick wall of a man. Oba Femi dominates on the offensive with ease and scores an elimination for his team but is eliminated after being double chokeslammed by two gorillas the way Kane and Big Show got rid of Batista in SS2005.

2.JACOB FATU

The word "thug" is thrown around in wrestling very irresponsibly, but not with this Samoan Werewolf. With a roar that can be heard by every village within a mile radius, Jacob Fatu is a ruthless animal ready to pounce. Fearing no being but himself, Jacob Fatu has run amuck on the unfortunate souls that have crossed him or his family. Here Fatu gets to let loose and unleash a different type of chaos against a group of foes that tower him in mass. But unlike these gorillas, Fatu has no weaknesses and will be quite the task to compete against. Fatu will no-sell any offense by these titans from The Jungle and will shake off anything thrown at him. Jacob Fatu isn't only a product of his environment, but also a survivor, a survivor who will stop at nothing to emerge victorious. Fatu will rattle the opposition enough to have them second guessing their involvement, causing a mental break with overwhelming doubt. Jacob Fatu survives this encounter, thanks to his viciousness combined with the help of his surviving teammate.

1.HAKU

Everyone knows all about Haku, even the gorillas in this match. Even they have seen the interviews of numerous wrestling personalities telling their storees about Haku. Haku has also been described as the kindest, sweetest person people knew and know. But as the saying goes, dont mistake kindness for weakness. Deep inside Haku lays in wait a monsteous force, contained sure, but ready to be unleashed on the first person, or gorilla, to dare test Haku. Haku's freakishly natural strength and power come from being trained in the art of sumo at a young age. I'm willing to bet if you put Mark Henry, Braun Strowman, Chuck Norris, and Haku in a contest to see who could haul a U-Haul to the finish line faster, Haku would win by a landslide. These gorillas would have no choice but to walk away from the competition as soon as Haku enters the ring, choosing to live to fight another day. They would be chased down by Haku and Jacob Fatu and thrown back into the ring to be eliminated in traditional fashion. With Haku in your corner, defeat is not an option. After eliminating the last three gorillas, Jacob Fatu and Haku stand strong as the lone survivors, and now the NEW Kings of The Jungle. Which five creatures of The Jungle will challenge these five next?

*No gorillas were harmed in the writing of this blog.

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Guns N' Roses "Welcome to the Jungle"

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