3:22 am
I'm awake! I woke up about ten minutes to go and I'm awake thanks to Australia, a country I thought was fictional, like Narnia.
It's at this point, I realize that the advertised 3:30 CST start time was for the pre-show.
And the living will envy the dead!
Rolling with my misstep, the commentators show off a clip of The Rock literally phoning in a promo.
Some notes to Dwayne Johnson from a fan who couldn't do a single thing you do:
1. You've gotten bad at this.
2. Homophobia doesn't play well anymore.
3:37 am
Still part of the pre-show, Indi Hartwell & Candice LeRae run to the ring.
Tag Team Champs The Kabuki Warriors follow suit, to a sea of boos. Gasp! Are Australians ghosts?!
The match starts off as some straight-up, old school wrestling. Babyfaces getting the hometown pop, heels really egging on the crowd.
The crowd is into this, too. The noise during the actual PLE is going to be nuts.
Lots of back-and-forth. Lots of fun, but not over-the-top, spots. Hometown crowd chanting for Indi Hartwell.
I don't have a lot of experience with the Kabuki Warriors, or even Asuka as a heel. They're really good at being the worst. I like it.
While this match is going on, I should explain that we only really watch Raw and PLEs in this house unless I'm doing an article. It's not a slam on Smackdown!, NXT, AEW, Impact, NWA, GCW, or ABACAB. We just have only so much time.
While I was looking up the album cover to ABACAB for that joke, The Kabuki Warriors pulled off the win. It was clean, which is both good for the KW, but also hilarious to stick it to the hometown Hartwell by not even having the dignity to make her loss dirty.
3:56
My wife is currently in bed asleep, so here's the deal. I had to turn LA Knight down so much I'm reading his subtitles. Yeah!
4:00
WWE is showing off Western Australia dancers. They are acting like it's culturally appropriate, but since it's the WWE, I have my doubts. Fade to black. The Chamber begins.
Michael Cole starts off by giving an Indigenous People's Acknowledgement, which is cool of WWE.
We get to watch people show up. I was pretty annoyed that this couldn't just have happened. Can't we all ASSUME they got there fine? However, Kevin Owens had a koala, so I'm totally okay with that.
Women's Chamber is lowering. During the pre-tape package, I'll point out that starting the PLE with a multi-women match didn't really do much for the Rumble. The multi-women matches have been the BEST matches in the last few PLEs. Let's start closing with them once-in-a-while!
Corey Graves is 40.
I am 40.
Less said about that the better.
Not-Howard Finkel explains the rules of Elimination Chamber, then the EST dances to her cage.
Is...Is Bianca wearing a Slave Leia outfit?
Raquel egresses Gorilla next. Crowd seems down for what she's selling.
Tiffany Stratton struts to the ring next.
Michael Cole pointed out that the glass on the cages is the same stuff as bulletproof glass. Is...is Brian Pillman going to be in this match?
Liv, who is my personal favorite in the match (I don't think she'll win, she's just my favorite), is next, followed by Naomi. I popped so hard for her return in the Rumble.
Becky Lynch, who is another favorite around this house, will never live down this outfit.
I think Seth picked this one. Seth and Becky have different styles. I like Becky because she's a clear and precise wrestler. I don't want to be confused as to why she looks like a wet Alundra Blayze.
Naomi and Becky start in ring.
The match is going as well as you'd expect Naomi vs. Becks. Lots of boots. Lots of jumping. Lots of--
Never mind. Naomi is twerking Becky's face into the chains. That's new.
Tiffy time gets a huge pop as she explodes out of her cage and runs a clinic.
Stratton hits Naomi with Becky, then almost deadlifts them both. However, Tiffy takes too long to try to do a highflying move, and Becky takes advantage.
Here comes number 4.
Hey! It's Liv Morgan. I love Liv, but have no idea if she's supposed to be a face or a heel right now. She does the heel taunts but also shows respect in promos. That being said, there was an interaction in this match that made me realize I'd love a program with Becky and Liv.
Naomi and Tiffy do a cool double cartwheel thing, until Naomi tries to twerk Tiffy into the cage, but no dice.
Naomi pulled off a damn fine flip off of a pod, but while she was reeling, Tiffy knocked her out with a pin.
Raquel exploded out of her cell as Naomi exited the cage.
Tiffany tried for a hurricanrana against Raquel, but Rodriguez caught her, then used her as a bell's hammer against the cage.
4:33a,
Hey, my wife just woke up.
Right before the EST gets her release, everyone is down and catching their breath.
Tiffany was able to get up and address the pending storm, but Bianca Belair being fresh is a hard thing for a tired wrestler to overcome.
Belair shows the world why you want to be the last person in the ring as she runs roughshod over all the ladies who had been in here for a minute.
4:37
Did I miss Becky being eliminated? I'm only seeing Liv, Tiffany--oh, there's Becky.
Liv "hurts" herself jumping off the pod, leaving Becky and Tiffany on top of it. Tiffy shoves Becky onto an approaching Belair.
Tiffany then performs a swanton from the top of the pod onto all of the ladies who were just kind of standing there.
This is awesome chants.
Liv sends Tiffany home, and boy, Perth is not happy. It's a sea of boos.
Raquel Rodriguez pulled off something The Hurricane has been trying to do for YEARS:
DOUBLE CHOKE SLAM!
But, that wasn't enough to keep her in the match. I was distracted by my dog, so I missed who pinned her.
Bianca is really in to using her opponents as weapons against other opponents.
Liv hit Bianca in the butt until she was able to pull off a sloppy power bomb. But Belair kicked out, allowing Becky to land a missile dropkick.
Now that we're just down to Becky, Bianca and Liv, this match is just move after move after move. Until Liv eliminated Bianca then Becky QUICKLY did it to Liv.
Becky is dripping to 'Mania!
Pretty happy about this outcome. If Nia is the champ, Becky might be able to make her look good. If Rhea retains, Becky/Rhea is always a good match.
Commercial note: Glad Hawkeye can move again.
New Catch Republic (Tyler Bate and Pete Dunne) slowly enter the ring, while Michael Cole very kindly explains why they are called New Catch Republic (homage to old stable and UK wrestling style).
Judgement Day (Damian Priest and Finn Bálor) with Dirty Dom Mysterio stare down NCR as they approach the squared circle. Ooh, Dom has a mic. Excuse me, please.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
NCR push Dom out of the ring, since we couldn't hear him announcing his friends anyway.
5:08
Priest just got tagged in. The match has MOSTLY been Bate and Bálor doing some extremely competent wrestling. But, after a cheap shot by Dom, it quickly devolves into a two-on-one that is setting the stage for Dunne to burst in.
5:11
Hey, I called it.
The Drummer For Electric Mayhem throws himself and several others around the ring and outside the ring.
Highlight of the night so far is Dunne stomping on Finn's fingers.
Bate does a MIGHTY impressive, and a little too lengthy, airplane spin on Priest, evening the field.
Dom, of course, pulls the leg.
Seriously, this dude needs to grow a curly-q mustache and wear a cape.
Dom gets ejected for his shenanigans, and then my screen went black for 30 seconds. Still had sound.
THESE GUYS HATE FINN'S FINGERS!
Damian's straps go down. That means a wrestler has super powers now!
Someone did a botch, can't tell who, then NCR hate on Priest's fingies as well!
Finn gets the pin over Dunne after a double chokeslam from the top rope from Priest.
Finn's thumb is effed.
Logan Paul, Rany Orton, and Bobby Lashley stretch for what is sure to be a better match than it looks like on paper. I mean, it kind of has to be, right? It can't be that boring.
5:32
Austin Theory speaks to the people before the Grayson Waller Effect.
What does "115 Million Hit Man" mean? Someone look that up for me.
Also, that is some of the cheapest heat I can imagine. We already hate you, Austin Theory. You don't have to try so hard.
Grayson Waller gets a huge pop and does a beer shot out of Al Bundy's God Shoe.
As Grayson Waller hosts the Piper's Pit, he chants Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, which the crowd loves.
Then, introduces Seth Rollins, who is wearing industrial JNCOs and cargo jacket combo.
Seth Rollins continues to be my absolute favorite main eventer. He turned into an airplane and was PEEKING AT PEOPLE THROUGH THE BUSHES! HOW ADORABLE!
Then, it's Cody Rhodes's suit's time to shine. And shine that shiny suit does.
Cody Rhodes slaps hands with every single person in the arena. It takes a while.
When Cody asks what we want to talk about, what I want to talk about is how he needs to let that moment go.
After a quick Tribal Chief acknowledgement, Piper's Pit gets going and Seth announces how he is days away from medical clearance. So, he will be well enough to face the Chamber winner.
Next up on Amongst Several Ferns is Cody Rhodes addressing The Rock. Oooh, he's owning Cody Crybabies. Okay, then.
Cody Sucks chants surprise me.
Seth decides he needs help for taking on The Bloodline, 'cause they don't fight fairsies.
Austin Theory interrupts Grayson Waller's interruption. Only for him to butcher The Rock's "It Doesn't Matter..."
5:55
Drew McIntyre speaks to God, while KO wraps his wrist, and LA Knight does actual wrestling warm-ups.
The Men's Chamber begins.
Kevin Owens Ken Shamrocks in the entryway before stomping to the ring.
"All Mighty" Bobby Lashley is next, in his whitest suit and biggest muscles and craziest head.
Logan Paul is next and man, this guy sucks. Like, he's a great wrestling bad guy, but mainly because of how effortlessly he is a total piece of garbage.
Randy Orton is next.
How many "caged viper" references do you think the commentators will make? I'm guessing six.
Drew McIntyre is the first contestant to not be in a pod. He is also very hated by the crowd.
Did Corey Graves just claim the wrestlers in the pods were broadcasting their thoughts?
LA Knight's pop is probably the biggest. So good for him, because he's not winning this.
6:16
Match starts with McIntyre vs. Knight.
CM Punk chants are powering up McIntyre. But the "YEAH"s are making Knight a super powered guy.
A nice moment between KO and Knight when they both slap glass for Drew's head.
KO!
They are using the three person format to do some cool, but not amazing, moves. No one is really getting the upper hand on another.
KO did a little jokey mocky-mock to Randy Orton, who was not pleased. Then tried to attack Logan Paul through bulletproof glass.
I really liked that McIntyre crossbody off the top.
6:25
Next pod is...
Bobby Lashley. Womp womp.
The crowd is...into Bobby Lashley? Who's into Bobby Lashley?
So. Remember when I said we only really watch Raw? McIntyre is the only person in this match I watch on a regular basis.
6:30
Randy Orton starts with KO and LA after exiting his pod.
It's weird to talk about someone "exiting a pod."
Uh-oh. Randy Orton tweaked his back.
After Knight DDTs McIntyre on the outside, everyone has a good lie down for about 45 seconds. Randy Orton makes a DDT happen, which was a mistake. But, now it's Logan Paul's moment to--and KO just ripped open the door and is slamming Logan Paul around the inside of the pod.
Bobby Lashley through KO through the Bulletproof glass.
Then Bobby Lashely just messes everyone up. But, his bad arm makes him prey for McIntyre who pins him.
Lashley has to be helped out of the ring.
Knight gets the suplex off the top rope with McIntyre. He almost gets a pin, but AJ Styles ran in while the door was open for letting Lashley out. Like a housecat.
AJ Styles assaults Knight, giving McIntyre the pin.
After AJ gets swept from the ring, KO starts cleaning house. First by OBLITERATING Paul, then doing his wrecking ball thing until McIntyre gets his knees into KO's lower back.
My cat has been sitting in front of the TV this whole match.
She kept trying to attack KO, so my wife was getting her down and I missed KO get eliminated.
But now it's McIntyre facing off against Orton.
They go toe-to-toe until Paul reminds them that he's still there.
Just when it looked like McIntyre was going to put away Orton, Logan Paul did a cross body off the top of the pod to the back of Drew's head, knocking everyone down. Logan is first up, and he's got them brass knuckles again.
RKO out of nowhere! Orton knocks out Paul, but he looks like his back is MESSED UP.
Orton knocks Drew down, and gets set up for...getting spinebustered.
Oops.
McIntyre sets up for the Claymore. But, Orton collapsed. No Claymore.
Orton can barely move, and McIntyre...RKO out of nowhere! But LOGAN PAUL WITH KNUCKLES!
Orton is down. 1-2-3 by McIntyre.
Orton gets screwed.
Women's title up next!
But, before that, Trips addressed the crowd. He announces the attendance for the evening. Never sure what I should do with that information.
7:03
They show Nia Jax lacing up, dressed as an auntie getting ready for a friend's second wedding.
Auntie Nia walks through a wall of thumbs downs to get to the ring. And that's just my wife and myself!
So, I think this entrance has to be the moment Rhea Ripley becomes a face, right? Hometown hero? Nia Jax sucks? Right?
Rhea Ripley looks like The Crow. But in an awesome way?
Rhea Ripley kicks up the offense, and Nia makes it look just awful. Take a bump, Nia.
Nia Jax does the stinkface, which is disrespectful to The Bloodline.
This match is telegraphing WAY too hard Nia Jax at the top of this match. Even if it wasn't CLEAR Rhea was going to win this, could you imagine the riot if Rhea doesn't win? WWE could be liable.
Nia keeps slamming Rhea around in a way I just don't buy. At all.
Nia Jax isn't really "wrestling" so much as she is "being big." Rhea occasionally bounces back, thanks to being actually good at what she does, but then Nia picks her up and does something else that, okay, maybe she could do, but Rhea wouldn't be knocked back that much by it. You know? Like, yeah, Nia is imposing, but Rhea not being able to get in any offense? Seems highly suspect.
Nia into the top tournbuckle thanks to a crazy move. She hit it hard!
Rhea hits the Dirty Dom frogsplash on Nia and gets the 2, but Jax isn't down yet.
This match has more bad landings than a Sully Sullenberger flight.
Nia gets the upper hand AGAIN by throwing Rhea around outside the ring, but Rhea kicks out none-the-less.
7:26
We have now entered the "we're both kind of tired" portion of the match.
Nia tries a top rope move, but Rhea suplexed her off the top rope. Which, well, let's face it, is impressive.
And a Riptide wins the match. Rhea retains.
9:10am
Last update - After sitting on it a little, I decided to come in and clean up a few typos when I realized that I just bounced after the main event. I did not sum up my feelings.
It was fine. Glad the Australians got a good show. Nothing legendary but plenty good.
I give it 3 and 1/3 quokkas.
Commenti