The Great Brown Hope here and it's a good first Sunday of the year indeed. Birds are chirping, crackheads lurking, just another day under the sun. Wishing everyone a succesful New Year, may you continue to prosper!!
Now that the holidays are out of the way we can get to some real important matters.
That's right, it's ROYAL RUMBLE SEASON!!
Got this time machine contraption here with room for one more as The Great Brown Hope takes you 20 years back in time and breaks (down) a classic, Michael Cole approved vintage PLE.
Today The Great Brown Hope Rates and Breaks(down) ROYAL RUMBLE 2004
2004's Royal Rumble is a RAW/Smackdown event with two sets of commentators. The spanish announce table even gets a shout out!!
Match 1 (RAW): Tag Team Tables Match for the WWE World Tag Team Titles
WWE World Tag Team Champions Batista and Ric Flair vs. The Dudley Boys
Dudleys come out to fireworks as we are shown a highlight reel (sit your ass down Jericho) of The Dudleys putting Coach, who is wearing the same shirt he wore six days before, through a table. Batista and Ric Flair come out and start smack talking Gary Payton style. They brawl outside before the bell rings and take a few bumps to get the crowd going. The bell rings and we already have a table set up. Crazy that Flair was about 54 at the time mixing it up with a guy who had a thing for putting old people through hardwood. This match is ring heavy as there are no tags and Batista isnt exactly a high flyer and Ric Flair isnt winning any foot races anytime soon. The dirtiest player in the game goes to the top rope but gets punched in the nuts and thrown down to the mat. Coach comes in to keep the Dudleys from putting a dinosaur through a table to get his revenge on the Dudleys. Batista ferociously puts D-Von through a table and this one is over. This match was cool I suppose. It got it's point across and Batista proved the Dudleys are losers. Maybe Coach gets a spot in Evolution now.
Winners: (and still) WWE World Tag Team Champions Batista and Ric Flair
🔥🔥 2 Pyros
Cena cuts a freestyle backstage and RVD cuts in looking higher than a goodyear blimp. I want some of whatever he smoking.
Match 2 (Smackdown): WWE Cruiserweight Title Match
WWE Cruiserweight Champion Rey Mysterio vs. Jamie Noble (w/Nidia)
Rey Mysterio comes out first to the song he used to use before the booyaka booyaka song. Jamie Noble out next with Blind Nidia. We get the usual, quick, back and forth action. The commentators cant stop talking about Blind Nidia being blind while the action is going on but fail to mention she was blinded by Tajiri. Blind Nidia eventually costs Noble the match by accidentaly tripping him and distracting him. Mysterio hits the 619 and follows up with a variation of Carmelo Hayes' Nothin but Net finisher from the apron. Mysterio retains. Quick, good match to get the crowd going.
Winner: (and still) WWE Cruiserweight Champion Rey Mysterio
🔥🔥 2 Pyros
Match 3 (Smackdown): Eddie Guerrero vs. Chavo Guerrero (w/ Chavo Guerrero, Sr.)
We get a quick video package highlighting the events that led up to this match. Bashams pulled off Twin Magic (way before the Bella Twins) on the Guerreros and stole the WWE Tag Team titles. The irony of thieves being robbed. Guerreros got their rematch for the titles but still imploded and now we have this match.
Chavo Guerrero, accompanied by his papa, makes his way out to some crappy blood in blood out cholo track. Eddie Guerrero cruises into the building in a nice 2 seater with switches and gadgets and such. This one's gonna be a scrap. Sometimes you just gotta duke it out with family and move on.
The crowd is VERY pro Eddie. Eddie looks jacked. We got some grapple action and a brief pause as the Eddie chants get even louder. Tazz tried to get a Chavo chant going but nobody cares. Eddie and Chavo show the chemistry that comes with growing up together wrestling in the ring at their family's shows when they were kids. These guys are just too good together. Chavo goes for The Three Amigos but cant complete the move Dirty Dom style.
Eddie Guerrero hits The Three Amigos and this crowd is fee-heeee-ling it.
Eddie Guerrero hits The Frog Splash and picks up the victory. Eddie beats down both Chavos and gives the fans the blood they wanna see.
Winner: Eddie Guerrero
🔥🔥🔥 3 Pyros
Another backstage promo. Benoit, the first entrant in the Royal Rumble match, attempts to give his thoughts but is rudely interrupted by drunk ass Ric and his Evolution buddies all sippin' Cooks. Randy Orton isn't drinking cause he's gonna be in the Rumble match. Flair tells Chris he's great and all but Orton's gonna win.
Match 4 (Smackdown): WWE Title Match
WWE Champion Brock Lesnar vs. Hardcore Holly
This one's a feud built from revenge. Lesnar broke Holly's neck and now Holly's back to return the favor and break Lesnar's freackin neck.
Holly is out first and the crowd GOES...mild. Hardcore Holly has lost alot of weight coming in at 234 pounds as opposed to his usual 400, good for him. Lesnar comes out and does his apron pose with pyro and all and gets rushed by Holly. They squabble outside and the bell hasn't rung yet so it's technically not an official match yet. They make it inside and the bell rings and Lesnar begins to bully Holly. Lesnar is not letting up and throwing Holly around like cheap luggage. A couple of restholds and Lesnar hits a beautiful delayed fisherman's suplex. Another set of rest holds and Holly tries to rally back but gets brought back down to earth. Lesnar's raw strength is too much for Holly. Double H hits an Alabama Slam but doesnt go for the pin, he gets Lesnar into a full nelson and just doesnt wanna let go. This guy doesnt want the belt, he wants to break Lesnar. Lesnar is sick of this and decides it's time to call it a night. Lesnar hits the F5 and Hardcore Holly's story is over. Who is going to stop this Brock Lesnar guy? WHO?
Winner: (and still) WWE Champion Brock Lesnar
🔥🔥 2 Pyros
Match 5 (RAW) : Last Man Standing Match for the WWE World Heavyweight Title
WWE World Heavyweight Champion Triple H vs. Shawn Michaels
Oh man. This one is personal. Two best friends are gonna throw more than just hands cause they're gonna have to beat each other down til the other cant stand Rick and Shane style.
The match starts off with some hard hitting offense, these guys either hate each other's guts or they've been told there's not much time left before the rumble match. Michaels misses a crossbody and ends up outside giving the Game-uh a chance-uh to regain to some energy-uuuuh. Multiple instances occur where Heart Balding Kid is laid out and Earl Hebner doesnt start the count. Triple H gets laid out and Hebner counts without hesitation, Hebner is definitely an HBK fan. Shawn Michaels goes for the flying elbow but Hunter sees it coming and gets out of the way and Shawn Michaels ends up putting himself through the Spanish Announce Table. It's ALWAYS the Spanish Announce Table.
Rates and Breaks Spanish Announce Tables Destroyed: 2
Michaels is bleeding as hard as Hebner's count is slow. He refuses to stay down. Triple H brings in a chair that Michaels ends up using against him and now Trips is bleeding too. HBK gains momentum and drives a bloody elbow through Hunter. Michaels attempts Sweet Chin Music but gets decked in the lower region to slow the pace down. Hx3 decides it's time for a nap as he's held in a sleeper hold. Both these guys are bleeding so hard that their brown and blonde locks have turned rihanna red. Both these guys are gonna bleed out trying to take the other out. Triple H hits a Pedigree but it's only good enough for 9. HBK hits Sweet Chin Music and neither one could make it to their feet by the count of ten. This one is over and Triple H retains his championship via draw.
Winner: (and still) WWE World Heavyweight Champion Triple H
🔥🔥🔥🔥 4 Pyros
We get a fancy video package but no BY THE NUMBERS, these guys are royal rumbling wrong. The winner of this match gets a spot in the main event of Wrestlemania XX.
We know Chris Benoit is the first entrant. Can he go the distance?
Howard Finkel goes to start the match but is interrupted by Eric Bischoff who cuts a promo about how much better RAW is. Paul Heyman comes out next and he is not having it. Heyman rushes Bischoff and we got ourselves a good ol' fashion general manager rumble brawl, Aldis and Pearce could never.
Stone Cold makes his way out in a Mario Kart speeder to shut it all down and Stunners both managers.
Lesnar and Goldberg get a backstage segment before the Rumble match planting hemp seeds to maybe a match soon? Guess Goldberg gonna have to win it from the 30 spot to get his shot at WWE Champion Brock Lesnar.
Match 6 (RAW and Smackdown): 30 Man Royal Rumble Match
Our first entrant makes his way out and it's Not Hugh Jackman's Wolverine Chris Benoit. Second entrant is WWE Intercontinental Heavyweight Champion Randall Keith Orton.
They duke it out back and forth with power strikes exchanging the upper hand. Mark Henry enters the match now and he beats on both men one at a time slowing down the pace. Benoit tries to chop down Henry but it's no good yo. Orton steps aside to let Henry pummel Benoit some more. Tajiri is the fourth entrant and his edumacated feet teach Orton a lesson in Kick-onometry. Henry throws out Orton but he's not out just yet. Bradshaw enters fifth and hits three big Clotheslines from Hell, attempts a fourth on Benoit but gets put in the Crippler Crossface for his troubles. Bradshaw uses his strength to pick up Benoit to eliminate him but Bradshaw is ELIMINATED. Rhyno comes out next to join the fray (not the band). Rhyno GORES Tajiri and Tajiri is ELMINATED. Seconds later Benoit gets the better of Henry and uses the ropes and Henry is now ELIMINATED. Matt Hardy is entrant seven and hits the Side Effect on Rhyno. Rhyno and Matt duke it out while Benoit and Orton battle in the corner. The four way scuffle continues and Scott Steiner enters the rumble and wants you to holla holla if you hear him. Steiner hits a couple of T-Bone suplexes before he takes Benoit's german suplexes. Not Tough Enough Winner Matt Morgan enters the rumble to add some size to this match. Morgan gets to flex his big boy muscles and gets his shine on. Rhyno and Matt try to eliminate Steiner and Morgan stupidly stops them instead of helping eliminate Steiner. The tenth entrant is The Hurricane who flies in and gets thrown out by Morgan immediately, The Hurricane is ELIMINATED. Morgan takes on Matt, Benoit corners Rhyno, and Orton beats down Steiner. Booker T makes his way out next to the ring and we get a classic WCW brawl with Booker and Steiner going at it. This ring is starting to get a little crowded, hopefully no one is claustrophobic. The countdown begins and BOOM
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
THROUGH HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE THAT'S GOTTA BE KANE
Kane at the time of this rumble holds the record for most eliminations. Steiner is ELIMINATED while Kane was making his out.
Kane enters the ring and the momentum of this match has shifted drastically. Kane hits three chokeslams, a sidewalk slam, and a big boot and now everyone is laid out.
Everyone gets to take a breather as The Undertaker's gong hits and Kane is losing his shit and it's enough of a distraction for Booker to throw him over the top rope. Kane is ELIMINATED.
Spike Dudley is the next entrant but doesnt make it to the ring courtesy of Kane. To this day he is still in that match. The five men in the ring sell Kane's offense as they slowly fight each other to kill time before Rikishi enters the rumble. Benoit throws Rhyno out and Rhyno is ELIMINATED. Matt Morgan eats a Stinkface in the corner and the crowd GOES.......WILD! In ring action slows down again as we slowly approach the halfway mark. René Dupree enters the match and goes to blows with Matt Hardy and gets him over the top. Matt Hardy is ELIMINATED. Dupree celebrates his elimination in Cocky Dupree fashion but is immediately thrown out by Rikishi. René Dupree is ELIMINATED. Booker T now tries to eliminate Rikishi but he aint got it like that. Prince Albert Train enters and goes to work on Rikishi while Benoit gets rid of Matt Morgan. Matt Morgan is ELIMINATED. Orton gets amped and goes on a rampage and eliminates Rikishi all by himself!! Rikishi is ELIMINATED. Orton follows that up with quick offense on Booker and he's gone now too. Booker T is ELIMINATED. This Randy guy is pretty good. The first two entrants now have a combined 6 eliminations, Benoit 4 and Orton 2. Feel like one of these two guys might win it but i dont know we'll see. Shelton Benjamin enters the match next and business is for sure about to pick up. Benjamin goes back and forth with Keith but gets sent packing. Orton gets elimination three and Shelton Benjamin is ELIMINATED. Looks like it's just Benoit and Orton for a while, good time to take a cat nap. SOMEBODY CALL MY MAMA CAUSE IT'S ERNEST THE CAT MILLER IN THE ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH. Ernest shows how nice of a guy he is as he dances to entertain the crowd while waiting for Benoit and Orton to wake up from their cat naps. Both guys wake up at the same time and Benoit sends Ernest back to his mama's. Ernest The Cat Miller is ELIMINATED. Kurt Angle is out next and he means business. The fans are chanting "U-SA" to show their loyalty to the states and to our Olympic Hero. Angle tries to eliminate Benoit but Benoit still got some fight in him. Rico comes out next and is rocking some limited edition Panini Tie-Dye Prizm pant tights, numbered to 25. Randall hits the RKO on Rico and throws him over the top. Rico is ELIMINATED. Angle continues to focus on Benoit as Orton looms in the background. Test's music plays but he hasnt made his way out, cameras shift to the back and Test is knocked out cold. Austin tells Test's assailant to enter in Test's spot and it's MICK FOLEY! Foley enters to a monstrous pop and goes straight for Randy. Foley dashes Orton's Wrestlemania dreams and throws himself at Orton and both go over the top. Randy Orton is ELIMINATED. Mick Foley is ELIMINATED. Foley keeps beating down Orton at ringside cause that's what cowards do apparently. Christian enters the match next and goes straight to Benoit. Foley strikes a ref with the steel steps and turns around to eat a chairshot to the head from Orton. This match has become the Foley and Orton show. Cant help but think everyone in the ring stopped to the watch while the cameras weren't on em. Nunzio enters but not before eating that dirty sock of Foley's. Nunzio chills outside to rehash his gameplan as the action continues in the ring. And well.....it's the Big Show in the rumble match now. Show enters and dominates the field upon entry giving no one a chance to gang up on him. Headbutts always look better when done by big guys like the Big Show. Big Show gets Christian in the corner and hits him with a massive chop. Out next at 25 is Chris Jericho. Jericho targets Angle and Christian joins but not before getting taken down by last name Show first name Big. The other competitors finally come together to throw Show over the top but fail to perform the feat. Charlie Hass enters next and the ring is getting crowded again. Nunzio still has not gone in the ring and neither has Spike! Christian throws Jericho over the top but Jericho eliminated Christian. Christian is ELIMINATED. Billy Gunn enters the rumble and hits two Fame Assers followed up by a massice Fame Asser on Big Show and Big Show is down! The pace slows as the fatigue is visible. Benoit has been there a long time. The Doctor of Basic Thuganomics is out at 28 and Big Show has his eyes locked on Cena as he can in fact see him. Cena gets Nunzio in the ring but not Spike, John must hate Italians. Big Show hits Nunzio in the back with a chop, that's what Nunzio gets for not picking on someone his own size. Rob Van Dam is our second to last entrant and he wants to eliminate show but not before Jericho stops him for some reason. Cena hits the F-U on Kurt Angle and Goldberg's music hits as he is our final entrant. Goldberg rushes in and Spears Big Show and Bad Ass Billy Gunn. Goldberg gets rid of Haas while Nunzio holds on to him. Charlie Haas is ELIMINATED. Goldberg throws out Billy Gunn next. Billy Gunn is ELIMINATED. Nunzio gets sent to the back now. Nunzio is ELIMINATED.
Lesnar runs interference and hits Goldberg with an F5. Angle takes advantage throws Goldbert out. Goldberg is ELIMINATED. We've got six guys left in the ring and Spike Dudley on the outside. They all team up to throw Show over but fail again. Show takes em on one at time but not before they all get the better of him with their signature maneuvers.
Big Show is down and they cant get him up to get him near the ropes. Big Show gets a comeback going and yeets Cena to the outside. John Cena is ELIMINATED. Robby tries to sneak up on him and gets escorted to the exit. Rob Van Dam is ELIMINATED. Jericho puts Big Show in the Walls of Jericho and makes him tap but you cant win the Royal Rumble by submission. Show chokeslams Jericho on the apron. Chris Jericho is ELIMINATED. Big Show hits Benoit with a monstrous Chokeslam. Angle hits the Angle Slam on both Big Show and Chris Benoit. Angle takes off the straps and asks the fans who they want him to eliminate first. Angle puts Show in the Ankle Lock and now Show has tapped out twice in one match. Angle's refusal to let go becomes his downfall and Show catapults him out. Kurt Angle is ELIMINATED. It's down to two.
Red Ranger vs. Goldar
David vs. Goliath
Earl Boykins vs. Shaquille O'Neal!!
Benoit applies the Crippler Crossface and Big Show gets the hat trick for tapouts in a wrestling match. Add that one to the record books. Big Show takes the straps off and let's them thangs breathe. He picks up Benoit who looks like he's totally done. He went the hour mile but wasn't good enough. Wait what's this??!! Benoit has Show in a chokehold and gets him to the ropes.
CAN HE DO IT?
WILL HE DO IT?
HE'S GONNA DO IT!
HOLY TURD HE'S GONNA DO IT!
Big Show is ELIMINATED.
OH MY WRESTLING GAWDS HE HAS DONE IT! CHRIS BENOIT HAS ELIMINATED THE BIG SHOW AND WON THE ROYAL RUMBLE!!
Winner: Chris Benoit
🔥🔥🔥🔥 4 Pyros
Benoit weeps and soaks in his victory as the announcers hype his triumph. I wonder who he will challenge for Wrestlemania XX. We'll have to tune in to Monday Night RAW to find out.
The Great Brown Hope's Hits of the Break:
Match of the Night: Royal Rumble Match
Wrestler of the Night: Chris Benoit (Royal Rumble winner, Most Eliminations, Longest Time)
Royal Rumble 2004: 🔥🔥🔥 3Pyros
Thanks for reading. We'll be back for another Rates and Breaks.
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